I’ve promised myself that I’m going to try to keep this review short, and not wander into a long rant, which is difficult for talking about the Holy Grail of gaming. I’m also going to try to minimize references to other reviews around the web, although this will also be difficult as my review is clearly different from everybody else’s I’ve read.

Briefly, let me give a little history for those who do not know. Duke Nukem 3D was a combination homage and satire of both classic 80′s action movies, as well as of the most prominant games of the time (Doom). It worked because it had solid level design and the gameplay was fantastic. There was also humor and a speaking protagonist. What happened, however, was what I call the Indiana Jones effect. The Indiana Jones  movies were always meant as both an homage and a satire of the classic cliffhanger serials. But they were so well done that even people who had never seen or heard of the old cliffhangers nonetheless adored the character and the movies. Similarly, Duke was so well done that people forgot what he was and was supposed to be, and the image of Duke blossomed and evolved, both in our minds and subsequent games (yes there were some, although most people never heard of them).

History lesson over.

One common story of the long development of Duke Nukem was that the guy that ran things, George Broussard, would constantly halt production when a competitor came out with something new (like a snow level, or a new graphics engine) and demand that DNF also have it. It was meant to show off their ability to make an amazing game, but also because at heart, that’s what Duke always did- reflect on what others have done before, make us more conscious of some of the trends in games, for good or ill. The astonishing thing is that in the end, they made it work. There are elements from many different games, but all tweaked or shifted in a way that both works, and makes you conscious of the difference.

For example, DNF has the modern two weapon system. Classically, first person shooters would have a dozen weapons to choose from at any time. What was silly about this is that most people stick to using two to three weapons, usually a short-to-medium distance weapon  (like a shotgun) and a long distance powerful weapon (like a sniper rifle or rocket launcher). So, games moved to the two weapon standard. But the problem is that people tend to have particular weapons that they like to use, and so we spend time finding those weapons. At the end of the level, what happens? We lose the weapons and have to start the next level all over again. In DNF, you can carry a maximum of two weapons, but so long as you like those weapons, you can keep them through the entire game and just keep refilling the ammo. It’s a damn good compromise to both the classical and the new system, and something I would like to see in more games.

What is also great is the variety of experiences, again culled from other games. There are Half-Life-esque physics puzzles, Bioshock-ish underwater areas, driving areas, platforming areas. But what makes it great is the balance you find in them. If you don’t like platformers, there aren’t all that many, and they aren’t obnoxious. I generally loathe underwater levels, where you have to swim around and fight badguys. But in DNF, the underwater level was long enough for someone who enjoys them to enjoy, and short enough that someone like me really didn’t get bothered by it. And you see this again and again. There are aspects that are there just enough so that people who enjoy them will be happy to see them, but people who don’t won’t mind them.

Let me address the adult content of the game. From released screenshots and videos and commercials of the game, I was under the impression that the majority of the game would be spent being motorboated by exotic dancers. Surprisingly, that isn’t the case. The first half of the game is indeed filled with a fair amount of tittilation, but honestly not as much as you might think. Yes, it is still unquestionably a game for adults. There are areas in one Aliens-like level where there are strange boob-like growths on the walls with which you can interact (slap). And yes, there is a level that takes place inside of a strip club, where you must go do a treasure hunt. But it still is honestly nowhere near what I expected from the commercials. The second half of the game pretty much leaves it behind completely. Oh, and the language? Yea, the F-bomb gets dropped with the frequency of a lie coming out of a politicians mouth.

The load times are exemplary. I wouldn’t normally mention this, but I’ve timed it, and it’s about 3.2 seconds on my computer. That’s whether you die and need to reload from a checkpoint or if you are moving to the next level.

So, who is going to enjoy DNF? Honestly, I can think of aspects in the game for almost everybody. People who like blowing things into bloody chunks. People who like adult humor. People who like platforming, driving, physics puzzles, boobs. So why is it that every single review I have read seems to be negative? The best answer that I can come up with is that people who write reviews seem determined to hate it, and come up with the silliest reasons to do so. The graphics aren’t good. Sure they are. Maybe not bleeding edge, but still pretty damn good. There aren’t ironsights. That doesn’t make a bad game, and the reticle is generally assumed to have the characters shoot from the hip- and can you picture Duke Nukem shooting from anything but the hip? It has recharging health. Yes it does, but it isn’t a health bar, it’s Duke’s ego going down, but after a moment not being fired upon, he feels better about himself, realising that “Hey, I’m Duke Nukem!”

If you are determined to not like this game, you won’t like it. If you have decided that no matter what happens, you’ll love it, then you’ll love it. But I think that if you go into it with an open mind, you’ll enjoy it. There is a free demo available, but sadly the level choices available to play through in the demo aren’t the greatest. They’ll give you a taste of the game, but not a great one. If you are looking to once again kick ass and chew bubblegum, revel in a character who isn’t afraid to wade in and beat enemies to death with his fists, if you are looking for a game where the protagonist isn’t afraid of expressing his politically incorrect opinions, and where the protagonist doesn’t have some kind of tragic past to dwell on throughout the game, then Duke Nukem Forever is for you. If you are offended by sexist jokes, naughty language, the naked female body, smoking, drinking, cheezy one liners, or gore of any kind, then Duke Nukem Forever probably isn’t for you (“Please, won’t SOMEBODY think of the CHILDREN” ). And in my opinion, the best way to play this game is to smoke a big fat cigar while doing so. I did, and I loved every second of it.

-Broklynite

Buy Duke Nukem Forever from Green Man Gaming today.